Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
