??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
