I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
