i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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