fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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