Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
