So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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