i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
