I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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