Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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