I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
