I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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