I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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