I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
