Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
