I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
