Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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