i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I touched a dick in church today
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize