Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I think my moral compass just broke
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