I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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