sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
