so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
