Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
