Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
