You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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