my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
