she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
