I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
