it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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