Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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