You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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