New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My feet surprised me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
