ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize