i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
