Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
