Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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