my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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