so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
