you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
