ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
