My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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