About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
