why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just had sex on a roof
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
