you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
