I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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