Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
