Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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