sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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