Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
