Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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