Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
