just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
