so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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