New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
