Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
