Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
