If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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