He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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