I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
