my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
