hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
