what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm passing your future prison.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
