i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
