Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
