there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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