He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
