I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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