Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize